Thursday, December 29, 2011

Another year older, another year wiser???

I turned 33 last week on the 19th. And while it wasn't my favorite day this year, it was ok. I'll have others. My day started nice enough with Alex the Elf sitting on my new Kerug coffee maker. I always thought they were cool but never thought we'd own one. I had been fine with my coffee pot from 82 since 82. Ok not really 82, but it was old and just fine. Even if it leaked coffee each time I poured it, it was fine. But yay, add to my addiction please. Thanks hunny, that was sweet!
After that I had to get Andi ready for an appointment with a new Dr. Actually it is a chiropractor. There is a lot behind this and after this, that instead of totally throwing this post on a tangent I will just promise to comeback another day and talk about the specifics of all that. On our way to the appointment Andi Jane bursts into tears after I explain to her that us moving to a farm for her birthday probably won't happen. After she wouldn't stop I said Andi, "it's my birthday, can we talk about this later?" Whatever, we get to the appointment, the guy is amazing and worked so well with her. It was a great appointment, I was encouraged, she was excited, yada yada... "ok let's go to school!" "No" "No?" "No I don't want to go to school, my back hurts now" (as my eyes roll) "you are going to school" this was the conversation all the way to school. Cut to me in the parking lot trying to pull a 68lb kid out of the car while she is SCREAMING and fighting me. Yes. This happened. Oh did I mention it was my birthday? We hadn't experienced a fit like that in at least 6 months and she let all those frustrations explode out of her right there in the school parking lot. I slam her door and say fine, you can go to work with me and when we get there your dad will take you to school. You might need to throw in a $ and an # and maybe a $%#$*@$(@*@*$(& as well if you want the exact way the story went, not proud, just honest. It was infuriating. She got me. I am a patient mama. I am one very patient mamajama, but I have a limit and unfortunately when my limit is hit it is not cute. Not at all. So then we drive in silence. I am very certain there was steam escaping my ears. There had to be, I don't know where else it could have escaped from. We get to work and dad takes her to school. Not one peep from her to her dad. She just rode quietly to school, got out and went to school. Curses. Yes, many. Oh did I mention it was my birthday??
From then on I worked. Had lunch with my sister and hubby. (yes my co-workers are my sister, my husband, my cousins husband and a sweet girl that has worked for us for over 10 years, to say were a family business would be correct) but my mood was just even. Not down
but certainly not up. It wasn't my 16th birthday. It wasn't anything special, but typically don't we all just have a certain beam in us on our birthdays? Maybe not everyone, but I do. At least usually. I've been at therapies with Lily, the hospital with Lily, I had OB appointments, I have been sick a time or two all on my birthdays and none of those put me in the mood like having a fight with my daughter. I felt
disrespected, devalued, a person with no sense of authority, embarrassed and sad. I let a 6 year old do that to me. The rest of the evening
was nice, beer and wings with Andrew (yes my choice) but the day just stayed on an even keel for me. It sucked that I was unable to cheer
up. I was unable to change my attitude, but it was what it was. I needed to share that background to go forward.
I'm reading errr rather listening to a book that was read by some friends in a book club that I rarely can ever attend but I like to read what
they are reading, it is called 1000 Gifts. It's not exactly a book I would pick up and read. Well the cover is very pretty, so I may pick it up
but if I read the back I'd probably put it back down. It is a religious book so you faint of heart for Jesus soooo would not like it, and even I
someone who proclaims to the world that Jesus rocks my socks has a hard time listening to something too preachy and I bet myself a
couple years ago would tune out on this one, but you know why? Because of the truths the author speaks of. No one wants to know how
they are doing things wrong, not unless they are willing to make changes of course, so this book has been very challenging for me. I love the
authors writing style, very poetic and I like that she is the one who reads her audiobook. She has a cute Canadian accent that I like to copy
while in the car. But that really wasn't necessary to share. But you should hear me when I am listening to a book read by a British reader.
Oh cheer-io. I so wish I had an accent. Wow. Ok back to my book. She starts by sharing some of her life experiences that were really awful,
she saw a lot of tragedy and darkness but she started looking into what the bible says of giving thanks, eucharisteo, and being thankful and
finding you joy through being thankful and it really changed her life. It was a small project of writing 1000 gifts in her life that just grew and
grew and she now is blessed because she blesses others. Its a beautiful book, I am near the end and my mind has just been so wrapped
around it all and that is why I go back to sharing my birthday. Not to complain, not to be felt sorry for, not for parenting advice for an out of control child, but who I am, where I am and where should I be and who I should be. The book makes lots of mention about people who feel entitled to happiness and do what they can to be happy tend to be pretty miserable people. Also when we have expectations, we are always let down. Like for instance my birthday. Why did I feel that I should have this extra special glow on my birthday? Do I deserve that? No. So why did I expect it? So I share my birthday experience and this book because it is changing my thoughts. She also mentions in this book about how many times she washes dishes (she is a mother of 6!) and expected thankfulness from her family and when she doesn't get it she is upset, disappointed, sad, etc but then she says what if every dish I wash is like washing God's feet? Blessing him. Ok this was a huge point she hit on me because I feel disgruntled every time I do dishes. I hate them so I am annoyed that I am the one who most often is doing them, so when I heard this I thought oh yuck, I can't think like that. I can't feel like I am blessing God, I want thank yous from my family. But then when I dig deeper and really think about this, how do I really want to feel from the inside? Do I want to be "right" on all accounts that it leaves me feeling annoyed, frustrated, grumpy? Or do I want to feel good on the inside and feel joy that only I can decide for myself to feel. And when I think of how I parent when I am full of joy and how I parent when I am grumpy and frustrated those are two different me's. And it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know which one produces better results.
It's not easy being thankful. It's not easy finding the "beautiful ugly" as she calls it. But it is so necessary to do so.
So this 33 year old woman is kind of lucky in a sense that I get a whole new year with my whole new year. A time to look back on what I liked about 32 and 2011 and what I want to change moving forward as a 33 year old in 2012.
I want joy and I feel like I have the tools to find that joy. It will never be with a new house, or a farm (Andi....), or more money or more of anything. It is finding your joy in your house, right now with what you have.
I look forward to a new year with new insight. I pray that I am able to stay on course as this year goes. I am challenging myself to find that beautiful in everything, even the ugly and I challenge everyone else as well. It's not easy, but it's also not easy for everyone around you when you choose to be angry over the expectations you put upon everyone else. So cheers to 2012! I look forward to what I will bring to YOU.

1. Sunshine on my face
2. A city surrounded by mountains
3. Crooked teeth smiles
4. Sparkling blue eyes
5. A boy who is hard to understand
6. A husband willing to swallow his pride and make changes for his family
7. A sparkly blue wheelchair
8. Big round brown eyes

What are some of your 1000 gifts?

1000 Gifts

Monday, December 26, 2011

Christmas came and Christmas gone

Here I sit on the day after Christmas. The day that all of a sudden I realize I have no elf mischief to figure out. No wrapping to put off. No shopping, no baking, no cooking. Andi Jane is at a friends, Lily is resting after her caregiver fed and bathed her for me and Oli is quietly playing with all his new toys. I am awaiting others to make a play on words with friends and pretty much got all caught up with what everyone else did yesterday on Facebook. So here I sit with my feet up nonetheless while hubby watching some show about a pawn shop while he switches back to a show about coast guard tryouts. I sit with Lily's iPad on my lap trying to type out a blog on this keyboard that I am not a huge fan of, yet too cheap to purchase a keyboard for this thing. I guess what I am trying to say is this may be the closest to bored I have been in a long time and probably the last time in a long time. It's quite nice to be honest. Christmas time seemed to have flown by as it always does, but I wasn't too sad for it to be over. As much as I love it, I never realized how exhausting it is for parents and it seems the older they get the more involved it all is. And to be totally frank, I will be happy when my kids realize we are Santa. I never cared much for the whole hoopla of him anyhow. Maybe it's because my sister was a bit of a jerk and ruined the whole thing for me before I ever really got to enjoy the idea of him, maybe that is just me projecting that upon my kids. Maybe it's because we do a whole lot of work for him to take the credit and maybe it's because The birth of Jesus really gets over shadowed by him. (excuse me while I get back into my bored position. I needed to change a poopy diaper and run to walgreens for some pepto for the hubs....ok ...feet back up.... Ahhh.... Ok)
So where was I.. Oh yeah Scrooge mode. Not necessarily, I just first hate lying to my kids. Especially with Andi Jane who is well beyond her years. This is the same kid at 3 asked why Santa had the same wrapping paper as us, at 3! So her questions get more elaborate and it's getting hard to keep this whole thing going. She still totally believes. How do I know this? She told Chelsey (Lily's amazingly wonderful caregiver whom is only here during her Christmas break, all our caregivers are wonderful we are very lucky, but it's a special treat to have
Chelsey here for this short period of time) Andi told her that Santa brought her the dollhouse because her parents would have never bought her that. Pretty funny she said that because she watched her dad put it together and we all knew he'd never choose that project on his own.
Anyway, knowing Andi we wont have too long with her still believing, but I am pretty sure she'll help Oli still believe. So who knows how long
we will be figuring out what Alex the elf is doing each night. Although when they do realize it all, they may not think it was that funny that
"Alex" drew mustaches on their faces.
Our Christmas was wonderful. Christmas Eve was simple, we just hung out at home, I baked a lot then we volunteered in our church nursery
and after went to the 5pm service. Lily's class didn't meet so she sat with us. We were pretty close to the front and she was great the whole service, well almost. Andrew sat next to her and held her hand the whole time. That kept her quiet, but then daddy had to go to the restroom,
I was a seat over from her but kept touching her so she knew I was there.... But apparently that wasn't enough for her because in the middle
of service she screamed a scream only Lily knows how to do. So loud she stopped our pastor right in his sermon. He was talking about
writing our own songs in our lives and he recovered by saying just like that and then said that it was ok and smiled. I however sat there with
an extremely red face and couldn't stop laughing. When Andrew came back I told him what happened and for the rest of the service I just
giggled. Apparently in my attempt to quiet the child I put my hand over her mouth and realize that probably looked awful, but I didn't know
what else to do. At the end of the service our pastor made a point to find us and apologize for stumbling after she screamed. I thought that
was very sweet of him, considering we should have been the ones to apologize. He said Lily is welcome in service any day. The service was
standing room only and I'm sure there were well over 500 people in that service so we thought that was very sweet of him to go looking for
us. Everyone loves Lily even when she screams a blood curdling scream in the middle of a Christmas Eve service.
Christmas morning was perfect. Kids loved all their gifts, they were all so excited. Oli got some drums which has been interesting. Gradma
and grandpa N got an electric mototorcycle for him and he's been all over the place in that thing. He's been a crack up. Girls got cute clothes and other fun girl things. Lily mostly cares about pumpkin pie and Aunt Jenn's pineapple cake stuff that goes with ham though.
We went to my sisters this year since my parents have moved up north to Greer. My sister could put any cooking show celebrity to shame. She bakes and cooks amazingly and so it's always nice to be at her house. It was great to see my parents were able to come down for the day and we had a great time. Whenever my family gets together it seems like we end up with a popular quote of the day and yesterday was I was gonna get your gift but the store was closed. That was a true story from my sister to Andrew but then it started coming up whenever we wanted an excuse. Then after my mom gifted out scratcher tickets (they are convience store owners) :) my 14 year old niece sat there while scratching saying "I'm pretty sure this is illegal" which of course ended up being the quote of the day as well. But an awesome thing happened, my brother won $500 on his scratcher! He totally deserved it so it was an awesome thing to watch happen!
After my sisters we went to my aunts and celebrated with my moms brothers and sister, we ate, laughed and played a little LCR and I lost each time. No we really aren't gamblers but it sure sounds like it. Christmas was a great time! We had such an amazing day. I just love being with my hubby and kids on this special day. My extended family makes things even better, but being with my hubby and the 3 very special little people we brought into this world makes me feel really blessed. Also super thrilled with my ninja I got :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas in the air

I wrote THIS (click this) many moons ago. I wrote it as a new mom of a very special baby girl. A mom who started coming to terms with the whole meaning of Christmas. Ok I grew up knowing the meaning of Christmas, but becoming a mom meant knowing the true meaning of Christmas and maybe more so the meaning of Christmas to Mary. I have always felt a kindred to Mary. She has always fascinated me. Maybe because from the age of 5 I have played her in plays. In Kindergarten I sat still and looked down at the baby doll while my classmates sang *gasp* Away in the Manger in public school nonetheless can you imagine the boldness of that school circa 1984! Also as a teen I played Mary in a dramatic modern version of a teenage girl trying to convince her fiance that she is pregnant and not by him. I mean that part gets glazed over a bit, but can you imagine? Now a days there are many words she'd been called not to mention crazy when she says who the father is, but back then you don't get called slut you get banished from your family, your community. This was a huge undertaking for this young girl to take on.
And I played Mary in a one woman act on Easter morning (several years ago)talking about seeing her baby boy, first born perfect son, beaten and hung upon a cross. So while I could never say I know how she feels, I can say I have spent some time channelling her trying to imagine her emotions. My favorite time is to imagine Mary though is her with her newborn baby boy. As a mom we all know there are no more precious life moments than your newborn upon your chest. Examining them for the first time after spending 9 months imagining them. And I can only imagine what Mary thought when she kissed her baby boys fingers and toes and realized that this tiny sleeping precious baby is not only her baby, but the son of God who will change our world for eternity.
I love Christmas. I love this week. The one that all the Christmas parties seem to cease and the time left is just us with our families. Baking cookies. Watching Elf, Christmas Story and Christmas Vacation. The time to wrap, construct, smile from within thinking of the smiles we will see on Christmas morning. I cannot wait to hear our little Oliver exclaim is sweet little "wow!" he exclaims whenever surprised with a little something. I can't wait to help Lily pull her goodies of her stocking and watch her get silly after some chocolate. And I can't wait to hear all the theories Andi will have when it comes to how Santa did it this year.
I wish you all a very blessed Christmas spent with your favorite people doing your favorite traditions!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Updates...

Every year I say I won't do this to myself. I will be more organized. I will save and I will budget. I'm a freaking FPU graduate thank you. (GoodSearch it if you don't know what that is) But I didn't. Here I am 2 weeks before Christmas still scrambling. But I can pat myself on my back for not touching one credit card. NOT ONE! Christmas is much thinner this year, but my debt is also. This is so not where I planned on going with this post. I saw on my google dashboard that my last post of Nov 23rd. That was a long time ago in my blog world. Darn. But I am proud of my last post so at least it didn't sit in limbo on some dumb post about irritable bowels or something.
So let's play catch up... we ordered a sleep safe bed for Lily and put our boxing gloves on ready to fight, but they said we'd prefer you go with the easy care bed (which is pretty darn close to the sleep safe) and they'd approve that. What? Insurance improved our request on first attempt? Awesome news. Especially since the other night on prompting from strange lights on the infrared camera in Lily's dark room I found her face down in a pillow having a bad seizure. I immediately rolled her back and she gasped a large breath of air. I don't even want to talk about it. I didn't like that experience, I never want to have it again and I think God might have pulled some strings to get us this far safer bed sooner rather than later.
Lily had Ortho clinic last week checking her scoliosis and the AZ Cardinals were there! It was awesome! We're big Card fans, always have been, always will be! I had all three kids with me due to not being able to get Andi to school and Lily to the appointment on time, so what an awesome surprise. At one moment we had 3 cardinals, 2cheerleaders and the cardinal mascot in our room. Oh and a photographer. It was awesome! They were so sweet to Lily and thought Oliver was the cutest. Andi and Oli couldn't believe the Cardinal kissed my hand and Andi said she was going to tell her dad. On the way home Andi said "Mom the bird expressed his feelings towards you when he kissed your hand" oh she is some kid. Dr was kind as always, seemed a bit jealous of his stature compared to the football players, but got right to business. Scoli still there, and bracing may not be too far in the future. Surgery as well. One thing that caught me off guard was he asked her age twice then asked if I knew what stage she was in her disease, if she's plateaued. I told him we aren't aware of stages in her disorder, she isn't typical rett. I told him she never regressed because she never progressed. She's pretty much always been in a plateau. I was concerned with why he asked and he never followed up on that. My thoughts were he sees her getting older and sees her scoli.. and I don't know. People complain about getting older but they shouldn't. Be thankful for your years you are given. The more the luckier you are. I think when you have kids with severe special needs children the concerns get more as the kids get older. It sucks. That's all I have to say about that.
Thursday the 15th I am taking Lily to keto clinic and we are going to put her on modified atkins in an attempt to help the seizures. I am praying this helps because I know according to Neuro last step will be completing the corpus callosotomy. Her seizures are just so uncontrollable right now, even on 4 meds.
Lily started back up in hippo therapy (horse) but last time we went she had a seizure 5 minutes into it and that was it. We are gonna try again tomorrow. Weather willing. It's raining here. And a lot. So odd. So ridiculous in my opinion. TOM's are not good rain shoes.
Wow. Intended to come on and post about Christmas and my thoughts and yadayada but I guess sometimes when I let my brain take control there is nothing my hands can do but go along with it.
I've been going back and forth about setting my old blog up the one about nothing. There are things I'd like to say on here, but I feel like my feelings on motherhood and especially Lily need to be here, but certain other things that I feel the need to get out shouldn't be done here. I'll let you all know if I do so. That would require more time from me so probably not gonna happen. But maybe.
Do blogs without pretty pictures and crafts even still exist???

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